BAR (4 Stars)
Forget about swiping right or left. If you’re interested in someone, select one of these three tools: Shout Hello Over the Journey Song, Buy Him a Drink, or Send a Friend Over. To indicate that you aren’t interested: Tell Him You Have a Boyfriend, Hide in the Bathroom Until He Is Gone, or Give Him Someone Else’s Number. Don’t forget to close your tab, or the app won’t let you exit.
MOM (4.5 Stars)
The Mom app presents you with a Suitable Young Man every two weeks. As time passes, it grows increasingly panicked. Advanced users can enjoy features such as the Surprise Guest at Family Dinner and Introduction to My Good Friend Carol’s Son, Who Is Studying to Be a Dentist. The Mom app also forwards you e-mails concerning Things the President Is Doing Wrong and Men to Watch Out for in Parking Lots. (Note: Is only available in Grandchild Panic Mode unless you upgrade.)
SIDEWALK (2 Stars)
This app allows you to express interest in people you see walking down the street via the Catcall, the Wolf Whistle, or the Hey, Beautiful, Why Aren’t You Smiling? (There are zero women subscribed to this app, but it sends them notifications anyway.)
WORK (1 Star)
Work is a great way to meet people who are similar to you, who share your passions, and who understand what you go through on a daily basis, but whom you probably should not date.
MUTUAL FRIENDS (3 Stars)
This app simultaneously encourages and discourages you from dating a given person while making you wonder whether your friends secretly despise you. “Clark is perfect for you,” Mutual Friends will suggest. “Especially now that he’s stopped dating that catfish he met in an AOL Reference chatroom. You and Clark—yeah! I see it. He smells much better now.”
GYM (3.5 Stars)
This app presents you with a lot of sweaty people and lets you guess whether you might want to date them when they are less sweaty. It also provides some information about them, but this information is limited to answers to very specific questions, including “What college is on his workout shirt?,” “What’s that song coming from his headphones?,” and “Is he really watching C-SPAN?” To indicate interest, Awkwardly Say Hello While You Stand Near the Weights or Pant in His General Direction.
FRIENDS’ PARTIES (4 Stars)
This app gives you much more detailed information about potential partners by allowing you to have the following conversation: “Where are you from?” “Oh, do you know [person the other person doesn’t know]?” “I’m going to get another beer.”
COFFEE SHOP (4.5 Stars)
This app gives you two tools with which to meet new people: Bother Her While She Works and Accidentally Take His Beverage, “By Mistake.”
SPEED DATING (0 Stars)
This app will allow you to meet and talk with many hot local singles. Quick, introduce yourself. Oh, God, what can you possibly ask a person in two minutes? Oh, no, this won’t work at all—never mind.
MASS TRANSIT (2 Stars)
To indicate interest while using Mass Transit, try either the Hey, I Saw You Had Headphones on, But It Is Important That I Speak to You, or the Weird Pointed Stare Until the Other Person Gets Off Two Stops Early option. (Again, only men can access this app.)
This article was originally published here.